Many,many times, we, as parents resort to controlling our child because 1. it fulfills the task faster 2. When we are angry and frustrated and we aim at achieving obedience fast. 3. We feel/think that we know our child best and therefore, resort to controlling our child’s every action.
In parenting with value, control-free parenting means transforming us to being a mentor….Parenting with value requires that we understand the misbehavior as a teachable moment rather than something that makes us angry. When we take this viewpoint, we can calmly find the source of the problem and we can better provide guidance to our child. I believe that in taking this learning attitude, we and our child can understand why such misbehavior occurred, what caused the misbehavior, what emotions triggered such, and why it matters that she/he understands the consequences of such behavior. When our child understands this in her mind and heart, we have taken the first step to preventing a recurrence.
Examples of parenting habits that prevent our child from becoming self-reliant:1. Threats and ultimatums 2. Unfair or harsh Punishments 3. Illogical punishments 4. Competitive contests ( this fuels the winner/loser mentality) 5. Truth-seeking techniques. 6. degrading punishments 7. Unreasonable denials 8. Negative words 9. Obstructions to communication.
In the book ‘Raising Everyday Heroes’ by Elisa Medhus,M.D., she states that ‘control tactics have a “you against me” aspect that breeds resentment, shame, and anger in your child.Children subjected to consistent parental domination or the ‘might makes right’ attitude, often become defiant and negative. Some develop the Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a condition in which children possess little respect for authority and show little or no remorse for their poor choices. Some lack self-confidence- they don’t stand up to negative peer pressure or the ridicule that comes from bulliues who often choosed kids like these as targets’.
Discipline must be logical for your child to understand the consequences of her/his behavior. This will help her/him prevent the recurrence and make amends. Children who are subjected to the truth-seeking techniques often learn to fear the truth and become mre skilled at sneakiness. Degrading punishments like ” you’re a very bad boy” erodes your child’s self-esteem and breeds feelings of resentment and vengeance. Negative words like ‘stop’,’no’,don’t can’t’, train us to see our child in terms of their flaws rather that what they do right. Let’s consider their self-worth.
Our child is uniques in every way. Let’s give them room to develop on their own. Let us ask ourselves: 1. Is saying yes to my child reasonable? if not, why? 2. What is the worst that can happen if I say ‘yes’ ? 3. Will my child learn a lesson in what I am doing? What lesson is this?